Friday, June 18, 2010

Purposeful Living

I think that sometimes we get so caught up in life's activities that we forget we are here not just to do, but to me, to experience life.  I have heard many tell me that through these last few years of financial and personal struggle, sometimes life is just about "enduring".  Everytime I heard that, I thought in my head, "yeah, yeah, right, right - you really dont know what to say".  I know - attitude, its my Achilles.   However, the thoughts still swam around in the liquid jello called my brain and the other day it all seemed to solidfy.  Yes, there is the enduring part - but really its about purpose.  I found my personal prayers switching from "help me to get through this" to "what is my purpose? I just want to have purpose?"  Almost (literally) the second I made the switch in my thinking, the purpose presented itself.  Now, I am sure that the purpose was lingering there all along, but I had done nothing to help realize it, make it possible, open myself up for it to embrace me.  I was too much in myself to notice that there was something more than me ...

Dont get me wrong, its okay to have the woefulness, to feel our sorrow, to recognize that life has pummeled us with a whole truck load of lemons (WAY too many to make lemonaide).  But we cant sit under the pile, tread water in mirk - its not physicially, emotionally or spiritually possible to do that.  We drown in all those same ways.  We get out of, sit on the side and breath for a moment, acknowledge that we have just pulled ourselves out of the worst junk possible.  Then find the nearest shower, (I prefer a very long, very hot one) and step out in the cool breeze and look toward the purpose.  It will be there, waiting for you, I promise.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The time has come...

In a week, the last chick will have made the first leap out of the nest.  He'll still have a few more milestones to cover before he takes off and soars in August, but the wings are strengthening and boy is the desire to leap ever so strong!  I dont know whether to cover him with my wing or nudge him out with my beak.  I guess it depends on the day.  Today was a day I just wanted to cover him up and keep him in the nest, for just a little while longer. 

Today, I also finished my first block of classes.  They went very well and I know that I am on the right path.  It keeps unfolding little by little.   I sort of feel a little like the last chick - starting to see that someday I too may fly this particular nest of 24/7 motherhood.  Its a little scary.  As mom's we have put off, held back, stored in the closet, all the "selfish" dreams of our youth and now that there is the potential to have the time, effort and most importantly, the ENERGY to realize them, we're a little scared.   Dreams are good - its the fruition of the dreams that takes some determination.  I finally think I understand the old adage that "youth is wasted on the young" - its not necessarily the energy (or lack there of) - but the fearlessness.  When you are young you are totally unaware of your fearlessness (it can easily evolve into recklessness - so be careful).  A little older, a few life lessons and we hesitate.  This time, there isnt a momma bird with a beak, poking over the edge, at least for most of us. 

Today, I am grateful for my husband's nudge - its been a whole lot better than my mother's!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Career Change

I have done it.  Took the plunge, jumped off the cliff, escaped the looney bin, however you want to call it.  Its done.  Over.  After 10+ years of working from home as a dedicated (sometimes overly dedicated to the point of work-aholic) medical transcriptionist, manager and editor,  it has all come to an end.   By choice, you ask?  Sort of...  Because of economic conditions?  Sort of that too... Mainly, cause I am so over it!  That was a little strong eh?  Sorry.  I just really am, very over it! 

It served its beautiful purpose.  When I started, I was a single mom with three small children, who needed mom to be around home more than at an office.   It was ideal.  I more than supported our little family off of my wages and I couldnt have asked for a better blessing.  Now, they are all gone.  Well, almost all gone.  The "baby" graduates from HS in 2-1/2 months.  He has his college plans all in order and has half of his 6'4" frame body out the door already.  There is no longer a need to be at home full-time. 

I went through the usual, what do I do with myself, thing.  I could paint/draw all day.  I could do genealogy until I had traced everyones roots back to Adam himself.  I could sew.  All are great, wonderful, nice, but I want to work!  That sounds pretty wild huh?  I DO!  I want to do something productive, something creative, something enjoyable.  Something that contributes.

So, I have changed paths, jumped the cliff, probably just went from one looney bin to another, but I think this looney bin is going to be a lot more enjoyable than the former! 

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Passing on a Blog I follow...

I follow a wonderful LDS blogger from Las Vegas.  She is a musician and a doctrinal whiz and has the wittiest sense of humor.  Plus, her kids are basically the ages of my children and her adventures are so similar.  I can laugh many times at what I immediately found to be the most irritating situation I had ever epxerienced as a mother. 

Today, I stopped by her blog and her post was not the usual fun and witty essay.   She wrote a very straightforward, very honest and yet expressive post on how she feels about some of the political commentary taking place in amongst ourselves in our places of worship - more importantly how we are treating others on the opposite sides of the political spectrum in our own community.  Since I have been the recipient of, heard the same words spoken and felt the same indigation she expresses in her blog, I want to pass it on.  You do not know what her political persuasion is (which is as it should be)... So please, if you read anything this year in the blogger world - read this.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Update on the Endings and Beginings

So on the "I Promise to myself to do" list:
I have accomplished a few (without any hiccups, I might add):

2a - done. I was spurred on rather quickly by the announcement that Passport fees could go up and up and up…. They are already darn expensive. So we did it, out the door, on their way and before April 17, will have one in hand. YIPEE!

2b - done, or should I say on its way. The short crop is gone. A short angled bob in the interim to the long bob. More soccer momish than hippish, but I have relented!

3. In the planning stages. Now if the whole job issue thing would iron itself out, we could really get down to the nuts and bolts of planning!

5. I HAVE SO gotten over feeling bad!

On the "I Promist to Be Better At list:

1. This one is hard. I am averaging once a week, at best.

2. Emma done. Working on Sherlock Holmes. Does watching every Masterpiece Theatre available on DVD count????

5. Pretty good. Sugars still better than last year.

6. I am COMPLETELY unsuccessful at restrained eye rolling though. I give up!

By the way - haven’t had a cream puff since January!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Endings and Beginnings

So you think if I make known to the blogger world my goals for the upcoming year, I might actually have more success. Millions (Ha! In my dreams) of hidden accountable eyes would likely be a motivator, right? Imagine looking up in the grocery store and wondering if the woman staring at you notices that you just put in your cart the supersize 72 count mini creme puffs, which you adamantly vowed to all your readers that it was number one on the DO NOT TOUCH, LOOK AT, OOGLE OR LUST AFTER IN 2010; or is she staring at the unwashed sweats and hot pink cap covering the "I haven't taken a shower in two days" hair and wondering what would ever make anyone leave their home in THAT condition? Either way, accountability can be a good thing, right?

So here is the "I promise to myself to do" list for 2010

1. Make sure that the last six months of the baby's life under the wings of his parents are actually memorable and healthy ones, despite the fact that he is a 17-year-old hormonal, sometimes insecure, sometimes overconfident, most of the time knows everything about anything, teenager and cant decide if he wants to be 18 or 12.

2. Plan for months 7 through 12 - which means:
A. Getting a passport for the first time in my life and not caring if I loose 20, 30, 40 even 80 pounds before I have the picture taken;

B. Growing my hair long - okay longer, than the short-short crop that I always have had just cause it was easy and quick and no fuss. I have time now, right?

3. Vacation in the middle of the school year!

4. A spur of the moment trip to Canada, just cause I have a passport and want to use it!

5. Not feeling bad that I am going to go to Europe without my children! My oldest declared that it was not fair, she had never been to Europe either. I promptly informed her that since I had to wait 47 years to accomplish that feat, I was not going to feel the least bit guilty if she had to wait beyond her 21st birthday! I did not even dignify the 17-year-olds moans of unfairness with an acknowledgement that he had even spoken!

Since the new year needs to be about personal improvement, here is the "I Promise To Be Better At" list:

1. Try to find time everyday to do something for someone else who does not expect me to do something for them. (That excludes all immediate family members).

2. Read as much 19th Century English literature I can get my hands on.

3. Improve my conversational French skills, so that I can speak fluently in French with my visiting teaching companion.

4. Keep up with Old Testament GD class this year and pulling out my old Hebrew and refreshing my brain, so its not all lost forever.

5. Be a more diligent patient and following the guidelines set by my docs, cause they actually have been working!!

6. Finally, limiting my eye rolling when my 17-year-old declares he is getting "so old".

So, if any of you see me in the grocery store and I have that 72 count frozen crème puffs, stop me
and remind me of #5.